When you think about who you really are- do you love yourself?

Do you like the person you are or do you feel that you are in some way wanting?

By loving yourself I am talking about valuing yourself for the unique, amazing person you are. Knowing your weaknesses and failings and always wanting to be better but knowing that simply being you is actually enough.

I’m not talking about being indulgent or narcissistic.

Leaning to love who you are wobbly bits and all, is something many of us find difficult. We have one set of rules to judge ourselves and a very different set of criteria by which we judge the worth of others.

A poor sense of self worth comes from so many places. How we respond is dependent on so many things, our personality, the experience itself and the other influences within our lives.

Our sense of self is often created early in life. The significant adults in our lives are generally doing the best they can and truly want the best for us. However as in the Larkin Poem which describes how parents **** you up many parents and teachers instill in us beliefs which limit our sense of worth.

One client had parents who constantly told her “You can do better” without recognizing the efforts which she made. They left her with a sense of never being good enough. The motive behind the parent’s criticism was, wanting their daughter to be the best she could be. A positive loving motive but it created a very different outcome.

Another client felt that he was always on the outside of “the gang” when he was at school. He was no good at football and a little over weight. He always felt he wasn’t good enough, until he met his now wife. She married him and it made him feel special. Several years on, she is a workaholic and although he is extremely successful in his own professional right, all the early playground feelings of insecurity have taken over once again.

Many children carry that sense of being a failure throughout adulthood even though there is plenty of evidence surrounding them that they are a perfectly successful human beings.

Others feel that their worth is entirely dependent on what they do for others. Their own needs are a very poor second to those around them. They feel good when they do things for others but that sense of worth comes at a cost of their feeling that their needs are less important and that they are simply disappearing. 

Below are some simple strategies which clients have found helpful.

A Sense of Fairness

Think about a set of scales, the old fashioned sort with two weigh pans. Draw them on a piece of paper.

In the one pan consider how you judge other people. What do you expect from others? What do you think is good, bad or indifferent?

In the second pan identify the criteria you use to judge your own performance.

Ask yourself: Are the criteria the same for both? If not consider why not.

Over the coming days each time you go to beat yourself up for something you have done or failed to do and ask yourself am I being FAIR. What would I think if Fred or Bertha did this. Would I go on at them in the same way I keep beating myself up with that voice in my head.

It is crucial that you are honest and FAIR. Be no easier or harder on yourself than you are with others. Would the scale pans be even?

You Are Unique

So many of the people I work with find it difficult to identify what their strengths and skills are. They can identify in detail their short comings but stutter and stumble over coming up with a list of the things which they can do or like about themselves.

Make a list over a few days about all the things you can do and positive attributes. Don’t take things for granted. You may be kind, thoughtful, funny, a good neighbour or daughter. Your skills may include the ability to organize the family, multi task, teach other.

As you think of them write them down. Read the list at the end of each day and acknowledge that you are a very special unique human being. There is no one else who is just like you.

Explain to 5 people who know you well that you are doing a project for an organization ( Recovering Workaholics or anything else you choose) and ask them to write for you the list personal attributes and skills they think of when they think of you. What is it which makes you – you.

Learn To Love Your Body

Body image gets a great deal of press these days. Lots of people dislike their body shape, a facial feature, their height etc. The media push the myth that skinny is best and we find ourselves comparing ourselves with the air brushed and doctored pictures which fill the magazines.

Learning to be comfortable with who we are, is important. You are more likely to feel good about yourself if you are healthy and fit. If you are overweight and live an unhealthy lifestyle taking control of your life by taking positive steps to get healthy will have a positive impact on your sense of self worth. If you have a history of yo yo dieting or other eating disorders I urge you to get some help as the ongoing process can ultimately lead to greater weight gain and/or health risks. Understanding your relationship with food and creating a healthier one can help you to create and sustain a healthier life style in the long term.

The following exercise is a useful strategy to help you appreciate your physical assets.

Stand in front of a mirror. Look at yourself and identify the three things you like most about how you look. (Remember it is what you like most. You don’t have to be ecstatic, you might want to say you like them the least worst but the language is important so please use the positive format.)

Say out loud

• "I like my hair best because………"
• "I like my ....…….. because ………"
• "I like my ....…….. because ………"

As you bath or shower each day and you are washing yourself.

Say thanks to each bit of you.

If you like it thank it and state why you like it “Thank you hair for being my crowning glory, I love the way you shine”

If it is a bit you don’t particularly like thank it for its function. “Thank you nose for being there and for providing me with a sense of smell”

The exercise should be done in a light hearted way. As it makes you smile you will find yourself feeling better about how things are. You start to make a friend out of the fact that having your body is part of you.

Affirmations

Try my example to start with, but then create some for yourself.
It is important to include “Even more” as it assumes you love yourself already.

Say it out loud. Each time put the emphasis in each word in turn and see just how different it feels.

Every day I love and appreciate who I am even more and in doing so I become a stronger.

Every day I love and appreciate who I am even more and in doing so I become a stronger.

Every day I love and appreciate who I am even more and in doing so I become a stronger.

Every day I love and appreciate who I am even more and in doing so I become a stronger.

Every day I love and appreciate who I am even more and in doing so I become a stronger.

Every day I love and appreciate who I am even more and in doing so I become a stronger.

Every day I love and appreciate who I am even more and in doing so I become a stronger.

Every day I love and appreciate who I am even more and in doing so I become a stronger.

Every day I love and appreciate who I am even more and in doing so I become a stronger.

Every day I love and appreciate who I am even more and in doing so I become a stronger.

Every day I love and appreciate who I am even more and in doing so I become a stronger.

Every day I love and appreciate who I am even more and in doing so I become a stronger.

Every day I love and appreciate who I am even more and in doing so I become a stronger.

And so on….