If it happens occasionally it is likely to cause some minor irritation or inconvenience which is short lived. But if it has become the way of life it can be extremely damaging to our sense of self worth and in some contexts our health and well being.

There always times when it is appropriate to do things because we want to help or please others, when it is right to do what we are asked by those who have a greater expertise or level of authority. In this context I am talking about an ongoing pattern of saying the opposite to what we really want to do because of something within us, rather than because it is the right thing to do.

There are so many reasons why we say “Yes” even though it is the opposite of what we really want. The circumstances and the motivation for this pattern of behaviour can be vastly different for each person. If you want to change the way you respond you need to work out what is at the heart of your need to respond positively.

Below I have identified some common themes which have come to light during various coaching sessions with clients. It is not an exhaustive list by any means and you may find several of the examples resonate with you:

Low Self Esteem

Saying “Yes” To Get Them Off My Back

The Person Who Asks Has High Status

So What Is The Solution

If your sense of self – worth could do with an overhaul you may find it useful to work with a coach. 

There is no single solution but some of the following suggestions may be helpful.

Thinking about life in terms of what is fair and equitable may help.

Think about a pair of old fashioned scales, (the sort with a weigh pan on each side). The fair thing is to treat yourself no better OR WORSE than you treat others. 

Consider each time someone asks you to do something. 

Weigh it out on your scales. Use that as the measure between “yes” and “No”

On balance is it fair and right for you to be asked to do it? If it is – go ahead. 

If you feel that the balance is tipped against you, then it is probably time to say no, unless there are other factors at work.

Do you measure your own performance by the same criteria as you measure others? If not ask yourself why not? 

What do you believe about yourself which makes it right to give yourself a harder time?

How can you say no gracefully without upsetting the other person. 

Remember that the tone of your voice and the body language you use will have an enormous impact on the way the other person interprets your motives..

If you have trouble saying “No” in the first place rehearsing different ways to say no which are both friendly and appropriate can help you avoid being caught on the hop.

You don’t need to go into great screeds of reasons. Keep it simple and avoid lying as you are likely to be found out which will cause bad feeling.

Having some responses rehearsed so you are not caught on the hop can be really helpful. Think about the last few times you have said “Yes” and wish you had said “No”. Now create the script for how you could have said “No” graciously.

Here are some possible examples.

In The Work Context

In The Personal Context

Where the person has high status:

When You Feel You Have To Fit Clients In

If you find it difficult to say no to clients who want an appointment and find yourself creating a longer and longer working day you may find it useful to block out time with appointments to yourself.

One client I have worked with is self – employed. She found it difficult to say no to her clients but the result was her working very long days. She was exhausted and her health was suffering.

She found just saying “No” difficult, Her solution was to create a number of mythical clients. . She went through the diary booking in appointments with them in all appointments after the time she wanted to work.

When clients were demanding about her working late she simply showed them the diary and said – sorry there isn’t a space left for those times for months. How about …. Instead.

When you say yes simply to give yourself breathing space

Several clients used to use this as a management strategy. In the first instance it would work giving them a bit of breathing space, however the relief was short lived. They then had to either find space to complete the task in their already crowded diary or go and say they couldn’t do it after all. Both outcomes created stress and had a knock on effect on the way their bosses and colleagues regarded their efficiency and professionalism.

An alternative strategy could be to ask the boss politely: I am rather snowed under at the moment. I’m happy to help but I need a steer – which is the priority. I can do a ---- or b----- in the time scale. Which one would you rather.

Or

I’ll have to get back to you as I need to look at what I can reasonably do in he time I have available. I’d rather not promise something and then let you down. I’ll ring you this afternoon.

With both of these strategies it is important that you are clear about what is a reasonable expectation of you it is not a strategy to be used to avoid doing a fair share of the work.

Organizations

• “Its quicker to do it yourself – at least you know its done properly” style of management 
• The dump the whole thing and blame them when it goes wrong – I delegated it to you! version
• I’m going to delegate but I don’t quite trust you so I’ll constantly check what you are doing alternative
• I’ve delegated to you but I can’t quite let go, so I keep interfering form of delegation
• I’ve dumped it on you with no clear view of what is required, no success criteria, no time scales, foggy budget and often changing goal posts sort of delegation
• Delegation to someone with inadequate skill base and no training – ( Delegated to someone with time to spare rather than the right skill set) 
• Delegation without any autonomy or authority so every decision requires someone higher up the chain to sign everything off